Where do we go from here?

I have written and rewritten this post so many times that I’m starting to lose count.  Each time I put words to paper (or pixels to screen, I guess), a new understanding hits me and I have to backtrack and keep on with the thinking.

If you know me by now, you know I like to think.

What Happened

The short story: I made a silly but irreversible mistake, and my reaction was obviously a bit sweeping and even paranoid.  I felt I had to at least make most of this blog private.  Nothing is gone.  (Nothing is ever gone.)  It’s just under a curtain for now.

I’m not going to go into it beyond that.  I’m sorry.  Originally, I thought I would.  But I’m not.  Rest assured that it actually had nothing to do with weight loss or fitness.  I didn’t hardcore fall off the wagon.  And I didn’t suddenly rethink everything I’d been and was and was becoming, although ironically, in the radio silence of the past few weeks, I did just that.  Rethink everything.

I have not liked not having this blog.  I am not ready to give it up.

What I’ve Been Rethinking

This blog has captured my “weight loss journey” from 260 pounds to my low of 152 pounds to my current 161 pounds.  It was integral to the process.  I cannot stress that enough.  Here, I weighed in almost every week for three years.  Here, I discussed triumphs and setbacks.  Here, I bored you all with daily logs of what I ate, monthly logs of workouts, and meticulous lists of weights and measurements.  Here, I posted long, rambling streams of consciousness that actually helped me figure out some key things.  This blog = my success.  I know that.

The past eight or nine months, I’ve more or less been stalled in my weight loss.  I’m “close to goal” but that goal has just been hanging out for a while, keeping its distance.  And I’ve regained some weight.  To be totally fair, the 152 weigh in was the result of some fucked up, no-eating anxiety stuff, but to also be totally fair, I was healthy, active, and strong maintaining 155.  Six pounds up from that isn’t a disaster, but it’s just — true.  That has happened.

The past few months, if you’ve read this blog during that time, you probably have noticed a weird pendulum-like swinging back and forth between being TOTALLY ON PLAN WOOHOO and then the struggle.  You may have raised an eyebrow at the “bikini legs!” project I started and then deleted back in May.  You might have popped over to the other blog I’d created for the sole purpose of tabulating what I ate (this is on top of tracking calories on My Fitness Pal).  Maybe that seemed a little odd to you.  Or maybe not, who knows.  What I have to say now is this: in the deafening silence of not having this blog, I’ve begun to reevaluate what I was doing.  It seemed fine before.  But now, I can see that listing what I eat in several different forums and trying to make a project of having skinnier thighs is just.  Well.  Disordered.  Disordered and crazy-making and feeding into what I now understand to will be a lifelong struggle with compulsive eating.

I don’t want to write that blog anymore.

Here’s the thing.  Losing 100 pounds, going from 260 to 160, utterly changed the quality of my life.  I can’t stress that enough.  I eat better.  I exercise more.  My heart health has improved.  I’m not afraid of new experiences.  Life’s problems are not longer daunting.  I feel attractive.  I’m more confident.  I have a fuller social life.  Losing 20 pounds, going from 160 to 140, won’t significantly change that.  It won’t change the quality of my life.  It can’t.  I may get fitter, I may have less body fat, I may even feel prettier, but the essential has already been achieved.  And that was, in fact, the whole point of this project to begin with.

I called it the lovely project.  I wanted to lose weight, but really, I wanted a better life.  And I have that now.  It’s not perfect, and things can be (and are) rocky, but man, I’ll take this life I’ve made for myself over any other.  Goal met.

Now What?

I don’t know.

I want to be able to say that I’m calling my current weight “goal” and will be transitioning into maintenance and that’s that.  But I can’t help wanting to at the least get back to my pre-recent-gain weight.  Actually, I can’t help but want to be as thin as possible, but that’s my ED speaking.

But I don’t want a whole blog devoted to that anymore.

I’ve changed the title to “A lovely life.”  I want to live this life I’ve made for myself, fully.  I’m going to do that.  I’ll likely continue to blog about eating, exercise, fitness, compulsive eating disorder, anxiety, and long term weight loss.  But there’ll be fewer lists and weigh ins.  There won’t be any projects to improve certain body parts.  There won’t be any more OCD-esque tracking of every little thing that only sends me spinning.  I hope you’re patient with me, those of you who read this little nothing, while I figure out the next steps.

But I’m here.  I’m not leaving yet.