Category Archives: short-winded thoughts

I bought chia seeds, so things must be better.

I’m emotionally on the mend, thanks to thoughtful friends inviting me to dinner and lunch, family calling to check in, a little retail therapy, and really good sad songs to listen to.

Surprisingly, or maybe not so surprisingly, I haven’t been binge-y.  I felt the urge to today, but I did the old wait it out trick and sure enough, I was able to make it to dinner without giving in.  In fact, I even did a little grocery shopping and bought myself some chia seeds, which are a) super trendy and b) a giant mystery to me.  I saw a breakfast somewhere on the Internet of a piece of toast slathered with almond butter, piled with banana, and then dusted with chia seeds, so I’m gonna give that a go tomorrow morning.  Trying to get back into the practice of eating breakfast, which has not really been a practice since December.

Last night, my friend T invited me to her place and she and her boyfriend grilled up some portobello mushroom burgers (they’re veggies), plied me with champagne, and generally perked me up.  At one point, I said something about feeling silly for all this feeling sad for a relationship that didn’t even make it to three months, but T shushed me.  Feeling things is important, and judging oneself for them can’t lead to much good.  She’s right.  I feel a little silly to have friends call me up all day checking in to see if I’m OK, like my husband just left me or something, but I’m glad I have them, and I’m glad I have feelings in the first place, and it’s OK.  Right?  It’s OK to be a bit sad.

All this has really informed me of what I want: I really do want to love someone and be loved.  I’m not gonna jump back into the dating game right away and I’m wary of getting swept up into something that falls apart too quickly, but I think it’s worth it.

For now, though, I have my family and friends and baseball season and travel to look forward to, and yes, this blog and this project and therapy and getting things done.

Plans for this weekend include a long beach hike: how’s that for the swing of things!

Oh, breaking up sucks.

As I thought, the new guy brought our relationship to a close tonight.  It wasn’t a fun conversation.  He’d been planning to move across the country in a few months, but this past weekend’s trip to see his hometown made him up the move to June.  (I don’t mean to sound like a crazy lady, but I had a very strong feeling that would happen.)  I was briefly open to the idea of seeing each other until he left before realizing that it would only prolong the sad feelings for me; so a clean break.  I think we were both on the verge of tears when we hung up.

I listened to sad music and cried and called my mom and called my best friends and went for a long drive up and down the coast.  I feel like crap.  This one hurts.  A stinging kind of hurt.  I know I felt more for him than he felt for me, so there’s some sadness about that.  It sucks not being important to someone who was important to you, at least for a little while.

If this is what dating is, then — ugh.  God.  Awful.  How do you all find your partners?  Seriously.  And what happens when a partnership ends, and not just a courtship of three months?  How shitty and weird.  I don’t give up, but I reserve some serious skepticism for this process.  I’m gonna need time.

Sorry, I know I keep blogging about relationships, but that’s the stuff that’s happening (or unhappening) right now.  Maybe once the grieving period is over, I can focus back on weight loss and fitness.  Tonight?  More sad songs.

Things to Do

I had plenty of time to evaluate all that’s been happening over the past few months (anxiety, relationships, slacking off on fitness, wandering around in the garden of no appetite, generally losing focus), and here’s my to do list to get things in order.

1. Buy a new pair of running shoes since I destroyed my old pair in Guatemala.  (Done!)

2. Start running again.  Figure out how much fitness I’ve lost, recalibrate, make a plan, and stick to it.

3. Go back to yoga, twice a week minimum.

4. Hike now because it’s still spring and not too hot.  Hike every week.

5. Blog about fitness stuff instead of the endless anxiety and whining.

6. Commit to the goal I set last December: get to 22% body fat.

7. Stop losing weight once I hit that goal and transition to maintenance.

8. Get a therapist (work through this anxiety).

9. Come to terms with reality of my body and stop thinking of it as a work in progress.

10. Stop thinking of myself as a work in progress.

Coffee/the badness

For some unfathomable reason, our faculty lounge — the oasis of some 60 or 70 teachers, administrators, and staff — only has one coffee machine.  And since we’re all harried coffee drinkers, it’s not uncommon to stumble into the lounge hoping for the sweet black nectar of the gods only to find that sad empty pot, drained of its goodness by a former douche teacher who didn’t take the time to brew another pot. Or — and this happens to me all the time — ONE CUP of coffee is left whirling around the bottom of the pot, which makes me the potential douche if I don’t refill it.  I always refill it.  I always remark that I’m refilling it.  (Yes, I’m one of those.)

I had a late-ish night last night (still dating the new guy and wowsa!), so I was definitely a bit tired today.  I had a cup of coffee at home.  It was nice.  Then I got to work, ready for my second cup; of course, the coffee pot was all but drained so I had to make a fresh pot.  An hour later, I felt the need for a third cup, so I headed over to the faculty lounge, and you guessed it, I needed to make another pot.  So I did.  And then another time.  And then another.

It wasn’t until I was making my FIFTH POT that I realized that before 1 pm, I’d had six cups of coffee.  At the time I was a little pissy because somehow I was making coffee for the entire faculty, but in retrospect the real horror is that I had six cups of coffee in the space of about five or so hours.  You know what’s the real kicker?  I’m having another cup right now.  (Have to stay awake for another date with the new guy, wowsa.)

It’s clear to me that I drink entirely too much coffee.  One cup a day is fine.  Maybe even two, if the day is long and crazy.  But five?  On a relatively ordinary day?  What?  Not only is that coffee coming at me with its milk and half and half (I don’t need so much, really), but that caffeine is probably killing all my systems and messing with everything.  The worst part is that the reason why I felt I needed so much coffee had little to do with energy and more to do with thirst.  I was thirsty.  Water would have done the job.  In fact, water would have done a much better job and wouldn’t have actively dehydrated me as coffee does.

Today was a bit of an anomaly with the water — I usually drink two 32-oz Nalgenes a day — but I’d left my water bottle at home, so the problem was more acute.  But even on days when I have my water bottle, I still am too prone to refilling my coffee cup than I am refilling the bottle.  On average, I probably have three cups of coffee a day, and it’s actually probably more.

Recently my sleep has been a little weird (I wake up for no reason), and I’ve been blaming it on stress and lack of exercise.  But could coffee be a co-culprit?

All this to say it has to stop.  One cup of coffee in the morning before work is enough.  No more coffee after that.  NEW RULE.

Are you kidding me.

I just wrote this long post about everything that’s happening/not happening, and then WordPress made it magically vanish when I hit publish — can’t find it anywhere.  It’s as if it never happened.  Maybe WordPress is trying to tell me not to write long posts anymore.

The gist of it is this: I realize I’m not focusing on actively losing weight.  And I have to think about what all that means.  Also, I’m nearing my three year anniversary of the lovely project, and while that’s awesome, it’s also three whole years of weight loss and when, I ask you, when will I just be maintaining and living life?  Or is this it?  QUESTIONS.

Some stuff on my mind.  You got anything on yours?

What can I tell you about this weekend?

Just a couple quick facts.

1. I walked a lot this weekend.  Not, like, walking for exercise.  Just plain old walking around.  I’m not counting it as activity (points, I mean), but I do feel pretty good.

2. Eating OK.  Sticking to points target has been relatively easy.

3. Too much coffee.  Bad thing.

4. There’s a lot happening, actually, but I can’t quite say what yet.  Things are good, I think?  I’m a nervous wreck, but that seems to be the normal now.

5. Hope everyone’s doing well.  I’m going to go to the gym tomorrow just so that I have something to talk about here, because it’s been a bit ridiculous lately.

A photo update.

Last weekend, completely on the spur of the moment, I bought myself my first pair of designer jeans.

J Brands, skinny cut.  Size 29.

photo 1-6

I didn’t spend too much on them — thank goodness for Nordstrom Rack — and they’re probably at least a season behind the fashion or structurally funky enough to be excluded from an actual Nordstrom’s, but I don’t care.  They fit great.  I can’t believe it.

Hi, everyone. Things are fine.

I’ve been a bit quiet the past week or so, and I’m sorry.  There’s definitely stuff a-brewin’, and I almost dealt you another long, awful, stream-of-conscious ramble about all the FEELS I’ve been having lately, but I decided against it.  Instead, just this:

1. I continue to track what I eat and stay close to my points target.

2. It’s not a brilliant combination of food, either, sort of random bits and pieces here and there.  I’m well out of the habit of cooking dinner for myself, which I want to change immediately — only it seems these days that there is always a plan for dinner that includes me not cooking.

3. Well, at least I’m preparing breakfast — recently, toast with Vegemite and coffee and that’s about it — and lunch, which has invariably been soup, a small salad of herb greens and tomatoes (no dressing!), cheese, turkey, and fruit.

4. I did have pizza on Saturday night, quite late.  It tore my guts apart.

5. It’s funny, I think I can eat grains — rice doesn’t seem to have an effect on me, and neither does a slice of whole grain or sourdough bread, or the bits of barley in the chicken soup I’ve been eating.  A little grain like that seems to be fine and tasty.  But a big serving of pasta?  More than a couple slices of bread?  Pizza?  Bagels?  Ugh.  I just feel like crap.  Not always in pain (stupid pizza) but definitely bloated, hot, sweaty, stopped up.

6. Not worth it.

7. When I was a kid, I always hated carbohydrates.  My dad made killer spaghetti and meatballs, but I only ever wanted the meatballs and some salad.  There’s video of me saying that exact thing: “just meatballs and salad — more salad please,” me all kinds of little kid skinny with my freckles and long hair.  I hated potatoes, too.  Ditto breakfast cereal.  I’d scrape the cheese and toppings off my pizza and leave the crust entirely untouched.  All I ever wanted was steak and tomato salad.  I loved steak, and I loved tomato salad.  And broccoli with lemon juice.  And green beans with garlic.  I was a weirdo.

8. Cream of Wheat was OK in moderation, I remember.  I wonder what would happen if I had Cream of Wheat now?  That sounds good, actually.  But it might make me feel horrible.

9. I got my first run of February in today, a slow little jog.  Minor victory: the first bit of the run, I developed a stitch in my right side and slowed to a walk.  After a few minutes of deep breathing, I forced myself back into the run and kept my pace a little slower and focused on my breathing, and the stitch never came back.

10. So as you can see, things are fine.  More soon.

Updates and bad news and other news.

I made a good start this week, but by Monday night, I was in full binge mode and haven’t been able to moderate much since.  I won’t get into the details, but it’s the worst it’s been since last June.  I’ll give you this one nugget of horror: dinner last night included a McRib.

I feel absolutely fine COMPLETELY BLAMING WORK for this.  Stress.  Eating.  It’s a terrible thing.

Anyway, excuses aside, it’s been bad and not good.  And with Thanksgiving this next week and my parents’ 35th wedding anniversary, I’m anxious about continuing this binge-y, stress-eating trend.  Still, I’m going into this next week with the expectation that I’ll be tracking points, earning activity points, and not going over.  Not even on Turkey Day.

I’m weighing in tomorrow morning and most likely I won’t like what I see.  But that’s what it has to be.

So that’s the update and the bad news.

The other news is that tomorrow morning, I’m running in my first ever 5 K race.  And I have no idea what to wear or what to do or what it’ll be like.  I’m scared.  Wish me luck.

Two totally unrelated things.

1. I stayed home from work today (bad night + lots to do + nausea = sub plan) and spent most of my time writing letters of recommendation for my seniors applying to college.  Which is its own special kind of torment.  But since it was kind of blustery and rainy outside and nice and toasty in my apartment, I enjoyed myself as much as one can.  Sweats the whole time.  And very little eating.  Like, way little.  I get 26 points a day (shockingly low number to begin with), and I only managed about 22 points total, or about 1,000 calories.  I just wasn’t that hungry.  Now, I know I haven’t been that hungry lately in general (thanks, dating), but today’s intake seemed exceptionally low until I realized that it might have been low because I did nothing.  Sitting on my couch and typing — maybe that only requires 22 points’ worth of food.  As opposed to, say, running a lot and lifting weights and gaining muscle and being on my feet all day teaching rooms packed with teenagers.  Maybe that requires more food.  Maybe today was just listening to what my body  needed.  Maybe I should chill out.

2. I still have most of my underwear from when I weighed 260 pounds.  I’ve gathered up new pairs, of course, but I still have my big ones in rotation for the times I need or want big underwear.  For a long time, they more or less fit, and it was just the waistband that kept traveling up and up towards my armpits.  Recently, however, I’ve either lost my belly or my ass or both, because the underwear have become uncomfortably baggy.  I can’t wear them with pants at all because they bunch up, and I can’t wear them with skirts because they just fall off.  It must be time to throw them the hell away and buy more underwear like a rational human being.